Scars of the Mind
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: Having Casey back at home without too many physical scars was a relief but for Severide, helping his best friend heal from the trauma of what Nesbitt put him through might strain their friendship beyond repair. Based on eppy 4.01 'Let it Burn' HAS SPOILERS. Missing #sevasey broment


**Title: Scars of the Mind**

 **Summary:** Having Casey back at home without too many physical scars was a relief but for Severide, helping his best friend heal from the trauma of what Nesbitt put him through might strain their friendship beyond repair. Based on eppy 4.01 'Let it Burn' HAS SPOILERS. Missing #sevasey broment

 **Disclaimer:** Same as always. I own nothing but my muse and my love for my boys #teamsevasey and of course putting them into danger.

 **A/N:** Yup us in Canada got this premiere a day early! Our boys had two –five second broments *not enough!* and I incorporated one of them into this piece PLEASE NOTE this takes place before they go to the Firehouse the next day where Severide is demoted - ugh! I hope this isn't the tone of the season b/c if so then it might be a short one for me! Since I already did a speculative OS based on Kelly finding a very badly injured Matt I wanted this piece to be different and deal with a different kind of pain (mental not physical). Hopefully you all like it a little and please enjoy.

NOTE: As 'always' _"words in italics and double quotes taken directly from the eppy." Just italics are thoughts and single is a past convo._

* * *

He sits numb…the pounding in his ears drowning out the barrage of anxious hospital sounds all around him, a cacophony of remorse, anxiety and distress. His heart races and he tries to concentrate on what the doctor is saying…what Voight is saying…what Boden is saying….and what Kelly Severide is saying…what his own inner voice is saying.

"Casey…hey Matt…buddy…"

He hears a familiar voice but all he can think of – _get the gun…you're on your own…save yourself…get the gun!_ Casey's body gently jerks as he looks up just as Severide's hand rests on his shoulder in a supportive gesture; a gunshot going off inside his mind at the same time.

"Hey…sorry man," his roommate offers anxiously as Casey offers him a curt nod and then lets his head gently bow.

 _Get the gun…get the gun…kill him or you're DEAD!_

His face outwardly winces and it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize just what internal demons he was battling; reliving the horrors of the past few days and certainly the past terrifying twenty-four hours. He looks down at his trembling hands – staring absently at the spots of dried blood; his mind replaying what transpired as soon as it was discovered that he wasn't who he claimed – that he was there undercover trying to bring them down.

 _"Katya was always writing in a notebook. Where does she keep it?"_

 _His mind recalls Nesbit piping up…as if trying to offer some pseudo help when it was his fault Casey was in that predicament in the first place! "He doesn't know."_

 _"I do know!...I…just need a second," Casey had stated with angry agitation edging on the his tone; his eyes sharp at Nesbit but his mind urgently looking for a way out of this looming disaster – namely his physical demise. I'm not about to die for Jack Nesbit, his mind offered in anger. He was hoping to stall for time…something so that perhaps Voight would understand his silence meant his capture. But as soon as the gun clicks – he knows he's out of time._

 _DO SOMETHING! His mind yelled. And…he did. Something he never expected he would._

 _"Casey…just give him what he wants," Nesbit tried once more; Casey looking at traitorous Nesbit to the angry snarl on the face of the man at the end of the barrel of the gun about to take his life._

 _It only takes a few seconds but its seconds he'll take. His eyes drop. The gunman's eyes drop. He drops his shoulder. Grabs the gun and fires and then without waiting to see if the gunman was actually dead turns on the one person who he feels is responsible for all this – Jack Nesbit. And he starts to punch him; wanting to blame him for getting him into this nearly life ending mess in the first place. His fist hitting him again and again and again…trying to dull the pain of the actions he feels Nesbit forced him to take._

 _"Casey! That's enough!"_

 _Enough…enough…Casey…Casey!_

"Mr. Casey?" The doctor's voice pulls him from his ragged thoughts.

"Yes…sorry. What did you need?"

"Please take another deep breath for me Mr. Casey."

He hears the doctor's instructions and mechanically does as he's told, wanting to do nothing more than go home and try to forget the nightmare that he's brought upon himself. _I had to kill a man…it was self-defense…it was me or him…I tried to get the gun…there was a struggle…hands on the weapon…it went off…kill or be killed…I had to…I had to…_

Casey's mind finally starts to take note of the fresh aches and pains his body is offering. Legs throb…chest aches…arms – limp and sluggish at times…head pounding…head spinning…mind…thoughts…dark. So dark in fact he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to will away the past twenty-four hours. _Why the hell did I say yes…why did I agree in the first place? Why….why…WHY!_

"Come on man…gotta get you home," Severide states in a quiet tone as he takes a hold of Casey's elbow and helps him stand upright; waiting a few seconds as he steadies himself but then offering a quiet grumble when Casey shakes off the assistance.

"I'm fine," Casey insists a bit sourly.

Severide's brow furrows as he thinks back to the tense discussion they had just before Casey's untimely disappearance; the heated and childish words spoken in the heat of the moment – not being meant but unable to be retracted in time. _Damn…Matt's still pissed about that…_ Severide's mind ponders in glum silence. But he knows the first 24 hours are always the worst and Casey was going to go through the full gamut of emotions. Maybe all at once.

"I just want to go home…shower and…" his voice stops short as he notices Severide and Voight trading worried glances. "What!" He fairly demands. "I know Katya was shot there. And? I was there! I know what went down! Is the body still there?"

"No but…" Voight starts as Casey shoots him a warning glance.

"Then…I am going home!"

"We'll figure something out," Severide pipes up as Casey's eyes narrow at him in turn. "You've been through a lot."

"I'm fine and that's it. I don't need pity or any of this crap! Everyone just needs to let this all go. It's over!" Casey verbally lashes out before his pounding head forces him to slightly recoil and slump back onto the examination table in a seated position. "I just need…I need to go home," Casey states in a calm but firm tone; agitation lurking at the edges. "You have everything you need from me right?" He asks Voight directly.

"For now," the seasoned Detective resigns with a shrug.

"Good," Casey replies in haste as pushes himself back off the table and heads for the door to leave; Boden signaling to Severide to follow, mouthing to stay with him. Casey slowly limps a few meters and then stops and turns around sharply and glares at Severide in anger. "Why don't you go back to Rice or…or whoever! And just…I'M FINE!"

"No…you're not!" Severide argues back, his frustration getting the best of him; his hand grabbing Casey's arm to pull him back. But Casey isn't having it and instantly lashes out but punching at Severide who quickly steps back. "What the hell?"

"Sorry...look I just…I'm fine okay? I need to go home and shower and just rest. You go and…"

"Rice is gone."

"I don't need help or pity or…what? Gone?" Casey asks in a softer tone. "Gone where?"

"Yeah….I checked out your story and Rice…he confessed to making that stuff up. He's gone. I was going to wait until…come on, let's go home."

Casey looks at Severide in wonder, his mind recalling their tension discussion before they parted and his expression slightly droops.

"We both said some heated words…they were crap. I'm uh…I'm sorry. Shoulda listened…said something sooner…tried to stop you."

"I shoulda said no right from the start," Casey huffs as he rubs his blood stained face. "I just want to go…home or somewhere and just…try to forget this."

"Do you want to go to a hotel?" Severide dares to inquire as they take a few more steps toward the exit, stepping outside into the cool night air; Casey pausing as he takes in a few painful breaths.

"I have to go home sometime right? She's um…she's gone right?" Casey asks weakly.

"They cleaned it all up."

"I wanted to help her," Casey's voice quivers as he recalls Katya's pleading with him just before Nesbitt's men shot her in his home and then took him to be questioned. "All she wanted…" his voice breaks and his eyes water as he looks away and then back at his best friend and roommate. "All she wanted was a better life for herself. I tried to…"

"Matt…"

"I tried…I should have tried harder!" Casey hisses as he pulls away from Severide with an angry hiss, a few curious onlookers looking at the sharp outburst in curiosity. "I let her die!"

"No you did not!"

"I just stood there…she argued with them and…"

 _"If I did know I still wouldn't tell you!"_

"She was defiant and…and they just shot her without blinking. And I just….stood there!"

"What? No…no she helped you because she wanted to. You did nothing wrong! She didn't blame you! No one blames you!" Severide tries to insist, gently urging Casey to continue on toward the waiting car.

"I blame me!" Casey audibly laments. "I blame me. Had I not…gotten involved she'd be alive…they'd all be alive."

"Katya…she did it on her own. Willingly. She'd never blame you. Her death isn't your fault. She wanted to be free, that's why she started collecting all those notes on them," Severide once again tries to assure his friend…knowing that right now his words might be falling on deaf ears but also knowing that he can't just give up on him. "Let's go home and just see…see what happens. If you want to go to a hotel or something…we will."

His body is tired and wants nothing more to shut down. Casey wants to argue with Severide…but his brain urges him to let arguments of the past remain in the past – even if it was only in the past few days. _Just go home and see what happens…you know they killed Katya! You saw it…but…but it's all been cleaned! You can do this!_

The ride to their shared apartment is spent in miserable silence and Severide can't help but worry what might happen to Casey, not only tonight but in the next few weeks. _Tonight…is going to be hell._ And he's right. But not in the way he might have imagined.

As soon as they enter their apartment, Casey stops and stares at the location on the floor where Katya's body had fallen and his mind instantly races. Severide tells himself that Casey is going to flip out or in the very least say something about not staying home but instead he surprises him by pushing past and heading straight into the bathroom to have a shower and clean up.

Casey closes the bathroom door a bit harder than expected, making his face instantly wince. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and feels his fists tighten and anger surge. _WHY DID YOU SAY YES!_ His mind shouts as his balled fist flies toward the wall, stopping a few seconds short before he can damage his knuckles. _Just have your damn shower and then go to bed…everything will be better in the morning._

Severide hears the water turn on and then looks down at the spot on the floor and frowns. Of course it was cleaned up but he can't help but feel that something about the whole scene is just…off. _Just be positive and supportive…_ his mind urges. But as he hears the water turn off his agitation soars once more.

"Want something to e…" is all Severide manages before the door to Casey's bedroom is slammed shut and silence embraces him once more. "Eat? I guess not." All he can do is just grumble and tell himself that they'll get through tonight and everything will be fine.

He'd be wrong.

About two hours later, Severide hears some odd sounds coming from the living room and quickly pushes himself out of bed and stumbles toward his bedroom door and literally stops short – looking at Casey on his knees on the floor scrubbing the area where Katya's body had been.

 _Get rid of the stains…get rid of it…you should have said no…get rid of…said no…rid…NO!_ Casey's mind explodes into anxiety; his body resting back on his knees and then finally looking up to see Severide watching in concern. "Couldn't sleep."

"I'd offer something to drink but I know that'll just keep you up," Severide mentions softly as he crouches down a few meters away. "Matt…"

"I just have to get this clean," he mutters, looking down in vain at the already cleaned floor. "I just…I'm okay. I just needed to clean this up and couldn't sleep. Keep hearing myself saying no…everything will be okay and then Nesbitt's men pulling the gun. It was in my face and…it was kill or be killed," Casey's soft confession concludes as he looks back down at the floor. "I couldn't sleep."

Severide hears the sheer torment in Casey's tone and feels his heart sink. _What the hell can I say to make any of this go away? I can't….ever._

"Okay but now you need…to stop."

"No I just need…"

"Matt you need to stop," Severide tries again, leaning down to pry the scrubbie out of his grip; Casey not wanting to let go. "Matt!"

"NO!" Casey shouts as he gives Severide a hard push, making him nearly topple backward. But he gets a surprising shove in return and both end up on their butts glaring at each other in anger. "I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO!"

"I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED YOU!"

Silence.

"What?" Casey retorts with a slightly heaving chest. "Why…didn't you say anything sooner? Why…it's not you. Kelly…it's not your fault. It was mine."

"I could have tried harder but I was being too pigheaded and…I should have tried harder. I was too distracted with other…stuff. I shoulda tried harder."

"I keep seeing them kill her and…she didn't have to die…didn't have to die." Casey looks down in misery and then up at Severide with a broken expression. "Her death…it's my fault."

"No…no it's not," Severide insists. "And I might not be able to change the past but I can help from now on and if I have to say it a million times I will – it wasn't your fault. No."

The two of them sit in silence a bit longer before a mutual nod is traded, the cleaning is stopped and they both return to their respective bedrooms to once again try to get some solid rest.

They would fail.

XXXXXXXX

As much as he tries not to worry about his friend, Severide knows that Casey's mind is waging an internal battle – for his very sanity and he's helpless do to anything but offer some supportive accolades when afforded the opportunity. But he fears that Casey will just put on his trademark tight-lipped smile, nod to everyone and offer the occasional "I'm okay…I'm fine…I don't want to talk about it," so that people just leave him alone; meanwhile internally stewing and waiting to explode.

 _Should we move? Should I suggest he take some time off? A holiday? Would you?_ His mind counters. _You'd want to keep busy at work…so you know you'd have less time to dwell on it…can you afford Casey any less?_ He knows the answer – he can't.

Morning," Casey greets stonily as he enters the kitchen with a somewhat sour expression; very evident that he hadn't gotten much sleep – if any sleep. Severide knows not to press about getting some solid rest as right now – it'd be moot. Instead he hands him a cup of hot coffee and prays he can just find the right words to say. It'd be a battle. For both of them.

 _"Hey you know Chief would understand if you decided to sit this shift out. Think everyone would."_

 _"I'm good."_

 _"Heard you pacing around last night."_

 _"This isn't over until they find Katya's notebook. I'll relax then,"_ he looks at Severide with a weak frown _._

 _"Alright…but hey anything you need, you let me know."_

 _"_ I just need…to get back to work or…" Casey interjects with a sharp edge to his tone as he looks at Severide with a tight jaw. "I don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself or…I don't know what the hell to feel…angry. I'm angry. At myself, Voight…Nesbitt…myself. I need to work so don't tell me to take it easy!" Casey lightly snaps and then offers a small frown.

"Okay," Severide nods in compliance, despite the fact he wasn't going to suggest that Casey merely sit around and try to relax or talk about his feelings; something he knows he'd be called on because he'd hate to do it. "So I guess you'll need to think about filling Cruz's spot huh."

"Yeah…I guess," Casey replies as he looks up and offers a tight lipped smile. _"New candidate starts today; gotta be there,"_ he states with a sigh."Missed a lot while I was gone."

"That isn't fair."

"NO!" Casey's voice rises and then drops as he gently growls. "No, it's not," he huffs as he takes his coffee and disappears back into room.

Severide watches him go and feels an instant loss – _what the hell do I say? What can I say?_ Physical trauma he knows he can help his friend recover from – trauma of the mind? That would take longer…be harder and leave scars that could last a lifetime. He knows he can spew all the encouraging accolades and Dr. Phil-isms he could google but his mind isn't sure that they would really help pull Casey out of his emotional abyss.

 _I have to do something…but what? What can I do or say that'll bring Casey back around…what?_

Severide takes his coffee mug and slowly wanders down the hallway, hovering in the doorway to Casey's room and looking at his emotionally crushed friend with his own look of defeat. His eyes drop to the picture on Casey's phone and he can't help but softly curse – it was a selfie taking of Matt and Katya a few days before her unnecessary death.

"I should have said no."

Casey utters the tormented statement without looking up; Severide's mind already on the rampage to somehow get the phone and delete the fateful photo. But at the same time, the photo would not only serve as a final tribute to a life taken too soon but as a stark reminder of what not to do – ever again.

Without saying a word, Severide slowly wanders toward Casey and eases himself down onto the bed, the two of them sitting side by side in silence.

 _Everything will be okay._ Will it? _You'll get through this._ Will he? _In a few weeks…you'll be fine…_ Are you sure? Severide knows there isn't anything he can say right now that would assure his defeated friend that all of this would go quietly into the night.

It wouldn't.

"Wish I knew what to say," Severide finally mutters with a heavy sigh; both of their eyes downcast, shoulders slumped.

"Yeah…me too," Casey confesses with a somber huff.

They sit there for what seems like an eternity, each second ticking past with painful slowness as both minds race to find a speedy road to emotional recovery.

There wasn't one.

This wouldn't go away overnight…next week…maybe not even next month. The scars wouldn't heal in a timely manner and there would always be a small reminder that he came a breath away from losing everything by ultimately his own doing. But as they remain there in silence, Severide utters a whispered promise that no matter what comes…no matter what Casey would face – he would never do it alone again. Ever. _I'll always be here for you…always._

And for a few blissful seconds…Matt Casey's mind is at peace.

And…then the peace is broken by reality.

"So…ready for the day?"

"Bring it on."

 **THE END!**

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 **A/N:** Not sure how many of these we'll be inspired to write this season (will depend on what the writers give us) but hope you all liked this and please do review before you go (b/c then I'll know you want what we're inspired to write) and thanks!


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